A few of the weirder questions I’ve been asked

Authors get asked a lot of questions — about what inspired their writing, how they write, what authors they admire. But then there are the other questions… about aliens, world domination, and alternative timelines. These are just a few of the odd queries I’ve received, specifically ones I’ve answered over on the question and answer site, Quora:

How do you know that your mind is not being manipulated by disembodied alien forces who crave world domination?

Simple. I am their front man.  I embed clues in all my novels and stories. In one recent novel I was even totally blatant about it!

Yeah, yeah.  You don’t believe me… okay then.

questionsDo you believe you’ve ever met an alien?

Every generation of human beings is invaded by weird aliens, parasitical ones, called our children.

As for your actual question… I kind of answer it in my novel Existence 😉

What’s the first question you’d ask an alien if you found yourself on their planet?

“How did I get here? I was at home, trying to answer a Quora question… when now, suddenly…”

Oh, never mind. They hit a resend and I’m back. Which answers the question of whether this is a simulation. That was next.

What country gets the most alien abductions?

I’d have to say… Hollywood.

Would aliens think in the same way as humans.. or have the same psychology?

Depends on what their ancestors ATE!. Seriously, the descendants of pack carnivores would likely have different ways of viewing morality than the descendants of paranoid solitary omnivores like bears, or herd herbivores or solitary stalking carnivores.

What would be the most efficient way to get one billion humans into space in five years?

If I can have my druthers of super tech, I’d come up with suspension capsules, freeze ’em and shoot them into space using a mass driver. Then later generations can collect and revive them after building the civilization out there.

If you could take one alien species from Star Wars and put them into Star Trek, who would it be?

Yoda — so he would be laughed down and have to work as the clown that he is.

Which superheroes or villains are using their super powers ineffectively and how could they be put to better use?

You’re kidding, right? All of them! Batman could use his surveillance powers… or Superman his supervision … to simply publish lists of folks “of interest.” and that added attention would stop those people from doing bad things. They could spend all day simply dialing a “Super-911” so that our own normal cops would arrive in time to stop crimes in progress.

They could pay courtesy calls on spousal abusers, and friendly-like bend a steel bar and hand it to the guys “as a souvenir, in hope we’ll never meet again.”

Superman could lift into orbit all the parts we’d need for a super space station to mine asteroids and make humanity super-rich.

He could give every whaling ship and fishing poachers small leaks forcing them back to port over and over and over again till they stop.

Wonder Woman could lease her golden lasso to women wanting to get real truth from their fiancés! And for government background checks.

Best of all, they could submit their powers to study by science… which we never ever ever ever see them do. So we might find ways to not depend on aliens or mutants anymore.

Should we just limit our rockin’ to the free world?

Rock’s radicalism is to enlarge the Free World… which rock n’ Roll and Hollywood have done more effectively than any action by western militaries.

Will humans ever invent an ultimate happiness generator?

They can already use a wire to trigger pleasure centers in the brain. Rats will press the button over and over until they starve. Science fiction has a word for this… a “tasp.” In my novel Existence I portray wirehead junkies pressing such buttons.

Can Darth Vader storm the White House himself, take out POTUS (from the bunker), and escape alive?

Depends. No one in his galaxy uses bullet guns. Either because they long ago developed perfect defenses against them – maybe stopping bullets in mid air like Neo…

…or else they found the Force and it led to lasers and blasters and light sabers and never gunpower and bullets which… by the way… pass easily through any form of light. So he either can’t detect or cannot “block” bullets. Especially when a dozen are coming at him from a dozen directions at once.

If it’s #1, then heck, I suppose he’ll flounce on in and do his thing. And we appeal to the author of this ridiculous scenario to also beam in an away team from the Enterprise, who will deal with Vader easily. After all, he is a borg.

If it’s #2 then he’s toast and we get all his gear to study.

And the most common question I’m asked: Do you think we’ve ever been visited by aliens?

Possibly by little silver guys in ships… but not by intelligent life.  Look… at their… behavior.  Twirling wheat, disemboweling cattle, probing lonely farmers.  Sorry.  I refuse to acknowledge such jerks.  I say snub em.

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